Sitting on the table and listening to the yearly blasts of Christmas music, I thought about many different things. Mainly things to do with make up designs, books, lives and my life in general.
Thinking about the ins and outs of my experiences as a 16 year old I've begun to notice a pattern of me "Fixing things"
Seeking out the problems I find, I feel the need to make people feel better. Often I will see someone annoyed or upset and find out every detail and piece the puzzle together then explain to them what they could do and things that they might do to make them feel better.
Doing this "Fixing" I have experienced a few problems. One of them are described as "The black holes" Like in one of my other blogs and the others who tend to take it and throw it back in your face in order to seem more accepted. Anger instantly springs into my mind, I don't know about you.
Feeling these negative things again seems to give them power (Once again mentioned in another blog.) over your trail of thought, putting you on a 'Downer.'
When respect pops up though I find it confusing. I know, respect is so easy but what happens when it comes to respecting yourself and how you think?
Respecting my emotions isn't exactly what I do best, I appear to put myself in situations that can make me feel worse than better. Although I find happiness in making others happy, I don't quite know how to do things by myself to make me happy.
Absorbing myself in something to take my focus off another thing is what I would describe as happiness. Making up makeup designs, creating a fabity-fab meal for the family, making marzipan Christmas snowmen, going out with my closest friends or even just going for a walk by myself to give me time to "Zone out" and think about curious things that may pop into my slightly random/odd mind.
Fixing people isn't going to make me happy and in my eyes it would be like a form of anesthetic, it kills the pain off, however after this numbing sensation the pain will be streaming through your veins and mind, playing over and over again until you find a cure to stop this torturous feeling.
My life would be related to a candle. Burning in a certain way can show the emotions. The flame swinging from side to side shows me either an anger or excitement, the slow swaying flame shows a calm or a emotional side however when the flame is actually still it's curious. It doesn't appear to show any emotion within the actual energy or the room. The candle burns at a slow and steady point but in the end it slowly, gracefully and elegantly grows dimmer until it's a small wisp of smoke disintegrating into the air surrounding it.
Living the life that I am currently leading with the habits I have to date, I don't see this happening very quickly. Being 16, I can appear quite impatient but I'm sure everyone can be with somethings. - Opening the biggest present under the Christmas tree can make me impatient to the point of exploding. Others it may be the most special things from that special someone in their life who means a lot. - Changing my life is something I would want to do slowly and make it worth the while. To be able to live the life I want to lead. Whether it's dancing madly in the wind like a mad swinging flame or if it's slowly waltzing around knowing that I've tried my hardest in life.
I would want to have the best possible standards, as would you. This standard would hopefully be set by myself in the future.
The thing is instead of me wanting this, I'm going to have it.
I hope you think the same for yourself.
~ Soph.
